Hazbin Hotel: Heaven is Unreachable
by Spyno41
Summary: I finally accepted the fact that I'm stuck in Hell forever. Well since I'm here, might as well get use to the company around me. Maybe help some souls along the way. The worst already happened, better make this entertaining! Sequel to Redemption Through Sin.
1. Chapter 1

**The prologue of my new life is looking bright! Sucks that it doesn't lead to Heaven.**

**If you haven't read the first part, then most things will be confusing. I recommend reading Redemption Through Sin first and then come back to this. If not, good luck following along. Enjoy!**

***Blue* **"Okay. You can do this." I prep myself up. Just take a deep breath. ***Yellow* **"Who am I kidding!? We're gonna be fucked in the ass!" Someone pats my back. It's the maiden herself, Charlie.

"Hey, everything is going to be fine." She assures me. "All you have to do is tell your amazing experience at the hotel!" She grins.

"But what if Valentino kidnaps me again?" It's only been a day since that whole shenanigan. I'm sure he wants payback for fucking his place up.

"Don't you worry." She pats my head. "Me and Al have let them know you're under our protection. Trust me, no one wants to ever cross with us." She has a cocky smile, while puffing her chest proudly. A nice chest she does have. Wait, now is not the time to think that.

***Pink* **"Thanks. That does make me feel a lot better."

"Good. Now get out there and show them that the Happy Hotel is not a lost cause!" She lighty shoves me forward. "Fair warning, careful with Katie Killjoy. She's a total bitch and will try everything to make you feel like shit. Don't let her get to you." She looks at her and gives her two middle fingers. Woah. For Charlie to hold a grudge, you gotta be a true scum of Hell.

I slowly walk to the studio, where Katie is smoking what looks like her third pack of the day, since there are a bunch of butts on the floor. Tom looks mainly bored on the desk. The audience and demons are all in the background, where they're talking amongst one another. Good. It would've been real stressful with everyone staring at me. I approach Katie. Surely she can't be as bad as Charlie describes her.

***Orange* **"Hello. I'm Daniel Gomez. One of the patients at the Haz-Happy Hotel." I should tell Charlie to change the sign of the place cause it's confusing. She glares at me and blows the smoke on my face.

"I honestly do not give a shit who you are." Okay. I should've listened to Charles. "The reason you're here, it's because the fucking Princess wanted to set up an appointment, despite my voice against it." She glares at Charlie and flips her off.

"Princess!? Like the Princess of Hell? Do you know where she is?" She blankly stares at me, like I've just asked the dumbest question in the world.

"I guess it's no surprise that you're retarded as well. Listen here, little boy. That bitch over there with the hideous blushes, is the Princess of Hell."

...What. Charlie? If that's true, then that makes her Lucifer's daughter. But that can't be right. She's the sweetest person I've had the pleasure to meet since I got here. Not just that, but you'd think if she is royalty, everyone would be respecting her authority out of fear. She is probably just fucking with me.

"And we're live!" The cameraman shouts. Katie sits quickly to her seat with the shittiest eating grin I've seen.

"Welcome back!" I swear I can hear her bones cracking with every movement she makes. "So tell me...Daniel, how was your experience in that very useless concept known as the "Happy Hotel" been for you?" The tension behind her facade is very intense. Everyone is staring at me.

***Pink* **"W-Well, it is fantastic staying at the hotel. The staff are always helpful and they're always trying to find a way to redeem us." They seem uninterested. "In fact, one of the patients ascended to Heaven already!" Silence.

"That's it?" Katie asks.

***Red* **"What do you mean "that's it"!? I thought everyone was convinced that there was no way to redeem oneself! Don't you all want to get out of here?" She gets too close to my face.

"Listen here, you don't speak for everyone. Some could give less of a shit if Heaven was wide open for us to go through. Especially not coming from the Princess's fuckboy, who thinks he's better than us."

***Gray* **"I never said I was better than anyone!" Now she's fucking twisting my words!

"Good. Because we have exclusive footage of your "holy" deeds at Valentino's strip club!" Footage? I can see on the screen the events of when I was shooting at the guards and stealing the limo.

***Pink* **"Oh fuck."

"Oh fuck indeed. Not to mention clips of the other attendants causing massive property damage and assaulting innocent bystanders." It's now showing videos of Bob jumping on a cyclop and Qwais ripping off a pillar and slamming it to the ground! I turn to look at Charlie and she is as horrified as me. "Honestly, the fact that one of the attendees even ascended is a miracle itself, when the staff can't even control the actions of their patients. I doubt that is even true. Can you believe a shitty actor like him based on these clips?" Everyone starts laughing and agreeing with her. Something snaps inside.

***Black* **"What did you say I am?"

"I'm sorry. I forgot you are mentally retarded. I said you are a shitty fucking actor who couldn't act his way to a girl's vagina, even if they spread their legs for your monkey brain to process."

The crowd erupts with laughter. You can call me names, you can mentally and physically abuse me, you can even humiliate me in front of millions, but you DO NOT make fun of my performance!

_**Lights out**_

**Josuke Theme**

The crowd is audibly confused.

Katie: What the fuck!?

A spotlight is shining on the stage, where Katie has her breasts exposed. Daniel is sitting on the desk, twirling her bra. Tom is shocked by the exposure. She punches Tom for peeping.

Quemaleon: ***Yellow* **Breaking news! La hijo e puta de Katie Killjoy, had a wardrobe malfunction on live television! She is now beholding us with her saggy tits, that not even the sinners at the Second Circle would ever fuck with a twenty foot pole.

He grins at her and the audience gives a round of applause for the exposure. She becomes more demonic and lunges at him.

Katie: I'm going to make you wish you were dead again!

Quemaleon: Try it, you condescending cunt!

They brawl out on the stage, while crowd chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Tom is also sneaking a fap session under the desk. Charlie facepalms.

Charlie: Not again…

_**Show's over!**_

_The ride back with shame._

We went back to the limo and are riding back to the hotel. I can't believe I let her get to me. I had one job! And blew it out of the fucking stratosphere. My fucking god. Can't even look at her after that embarrassment.

"It's okay. Everything is going to be fine." Charlie tries to comfort me.

***Yellow* **"Everything is not going fine! I was supposed to increase the reputation of the hotel and all I did was fucking make us look like fucking clowns!" She's taken aback. Great, now I'm yelling at the only person who's been supporting me this whole time. ***Blue*** "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scream at you."

"It's okay." There's an awkward silence. "If it makes you feel any better, my interview with her pretty much ended the same way."

***Green* **"Oh yea?" I recall the moment when I first dropped here. Only got a snippet of her interview, but was more focused on not getting my ass rammed by a minotaur.

"Yea. She insulted my song and the hotel, so I grabbed her pen and called her a bitch out of instinct. Won't lie, it felt good saying that." We both chuckle. It's good to laugh the misfortunes away.

"Oh, Katie was spouting that you are the Princess of Hell. Crazy, right?" I giggle, but she looks at me quizzically. "You're not, right?"

"I am. It's the whole reason why the Hotel was built in the first place, because I don't want the souls I look over to be exterminated. You didn't know that?"

"So wait, that means Lucifer is your father?"

"Yes."

"The guy with the blushes on the portrait is Lucifer?"

"Yes."

…***Rainbow* **"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARILNFDSCONGFILJC!"

"Calm down! Your colors are blinding me!" It is at this moment, I know that I am still ignorant with the eccentricities my new home has yet to offer.

**THE DU-Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town English cover Mark de Groot**

**When everything is new, it's hard to get in the groove**

**Don't stumble around, it's time to make your move**

**Cause baby you shine and I'm sure that you will make it in time**

**Oh yeah!**

**(Just kick it up and don't give up) Riding on a new wave**

**(There's nothing really to it) It's not a mystery**

**(Come on let's go, it's time to show) Everything you've learned cause now you can finally see**

**You're not a joke, you fit right in**

**So shake it off and give a grin**

**Don't be afraid to stand your ground**

**Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town**

**Thank you everyone for reading! Honestly would've never thought about making a sequel of any of my stories, so here's a first! I appreciate any feedback and as always, see you in the next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Blood is heavier than water, but it won't quench my thirst for knowledge.**

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" Alastor says as he sips tea.

***Orange* **"I bet it is. For you anyways." I sigh, looking out the window.

"No need to be sour about it. I think it was sexy to see a topless woman wrangle with a boy. It's rare to see you aggressive and it's very refreshing to witness that side of yours." Lilian comments. She's wearing her suit cause she came back from a meeting to reconstruct her place again. We've both been summoned by our "Lord" Alastor to his study.

***Red* **"That's not the point! Anyways, why did you call us here?"

"Why, to explain to you why you are a big target to the Overlords, of course!" He just loves to hear himself talk. "Remember you are a virgin, therefore your blood is valuable." He licks his lips. I seriously need an adult that ain't a loli nymphomaniac.

"What does my blood have to do with anything?"

"Surely you can't be this uneducated." Lily chimes in. "A virgin blood is very valuable in any religious circle. Why do you think a virgin is used as an offering to the gods? It holds holy properties and I heard they're quite delicious~. However, this is the first time someone like you has come to Hell. Usually virgins tend to ascend automatically to Heaven if they were a decent person, but due to the loophole of your sin, you're here now."

***Yellow* **"Great. I expected Valentino to be after me, but now I've got every top dog on my ass now?"

"As long as you're here and me or Charlie are in your company, they won't try anything drastic. Though, that won't stop them from sending their elite subordinates to capture you under our noses. But enough about that, time for a little taste~!" Before I could question, he teleports behind me and sinks his sharp teeth on my neck!

"AAAAAAAAAH! OH MY GOD! GOD IS DEAAAAAAAH!" I can feel him licking feverishly on the wounds! Lily is just watching all this happen! I bet she's getting wetter than the Niagara Falls! Shoving the fucker off of me wasn't easy, but I managed to pry free from his grasp. ***Red* **"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" He licks the yellow blood from his fingers and chuckles.

"It tastes ver-hehehehahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He starts cackling maniacally. The hell is wrong with him? He's now on the floor laughing his ass off. I feel a rough tongue lick my neck and jump out of the way. "Lily! No!"

"Wow! You actually tas-" She stops and gives me the angriest look. She snarls and jumps at me. She slams me against the bookshelf to try to slash my face off! I manage to hold her hands, but she switches to bite me.

"Ack! What is happening, Lily!? Calm down!" She doesn't listen to me. There's only blind rage as her mouth foams like a rabid cat. I wrap my tail around her and fling that bitch across the room. The books fall on top of her, knocking her out cold.

"What's with all the commotion?" Charlie steps in.

***Blue* **"Oh thank god you're here." I jog towards her, but I trip on Alastor's mic and crash on top of her. "I'm sorry!" Oh no! I got my blue blood in her mouth! She starts sniffling. Huh?

"Why? Why is everything not working out? I promised you all would ascend, but we've haven't made much progress. Father was right. This idea was doomed from the start!" She starts bawling.

So that's what has been happening. Anybody that drinks my blood, makes them feel an extreme emotion depending on the color. Yellow is laughter, Red is anger and blue is sadness. Basic enough.

"What are you doing to her!?" Uh oh. I see Vaggie approaching me. It must look bad being on top of Charles, while she's crying.

***Pink* **"T-This isn't what it looks like! My blood got into her mouth and she's having a mental breakdown cause of it." I get up and explain the situation to her. She softens her expression.

"I see. That's what the bastard gets for trying to get his way. Any idea how long this effect lasts?"

"Not sure. My guess is until the body disposes the blood from the system. That can also mean the more you take, the longer it lasts. So Al is going to be laughing for a good while."

"I'd say that's good enough for punishment." We both laugh. She picks up Charlie. "Everything is going to be okay, sweetie." She says sweetly. Bless these two for their wholesomeness. Her body shudders as she's having difficulty holding her girl. She looks at me. "Did I ever mention how good looking you are~?"

….***Blue* **"Excuse me?" That is completely out of character for her. Oh shit! She has some of my pink blood on the cut that's on her finger! She must've gotten it while picking up Charlie without noticing!

"Now you're flirting with another person? My life just keeps getting worse and worse!" Charlie runs down the hall.

"Charlie wait! That's not her true feelings!" But it's futile to reason with her.

"Forget about her. Look at me. You have very nice lips. I can't wait to have a taste of them~." She licks her lips. ***Red* **Holy shit! My mind can't comprehend the alien concept of her being seductive, let alone hitting on a guy! I push her off and start running down the hall. I just have to wait it out, right? I wonder if they'll remember everything once it's over?

"Danieeeeeeel~!" ***Yellow* **Oh no! Vaggie is chasing me! Fuck it! I plunge my fingers on my wound. Once she's close enough, I stick my blood in her mouth. She's licking it very sensually. In any other circumstances, this would've been very hot. I take out my finger, which is covered in saliva. Ugh. Now to wait for her to start laughing. She hugs me and starts snuggling. Did it not work!? "I'm so happy to be with you." She coos.

"Hold on. So my pink and yellow blood is making you into girlfriend material?" I think out loud. So it doesn't overwrite it, more like mixes in with the others. Oh my god. This just complicates things. "Come on. Let's go find Charlie."

"Okay~!" She excitedly jumps and holds my hand as we walk. Man, this just gets weirder by the second. We arrive at the lobby, where Qwais is comforting poor Charles, while Angel is curiously looking over. They notice us with surprise on their face. I force out my hand, but she cuddles on my arm.

"Everything has a logical explanation." I summarize the events that had transpired.

"I see. I thought there was something strange about her behavior." Qwais thinks over with his usual stoic demeanor.

"Hahaha! Look how head over heels she is! I have to definitely record this!" Angel takes out his phone and starts recording.

"So what do we do?" I ask. Qwais stands and guides Charlie towards us.

"Can you turn pink?" He inquires. ***Pink* **I unconsciously turn and he grabs a bit of blood and sticks it in Charles mouth. He carries both girls and locks them up in a room. "That takes care of it." I give him a confused look. "They're going to have a nice happy/pity sex, until it's out of their system. Lily and Alastor are fine, so it's only a matter of time for them."

"Aaaw. I was hoping to capture more, but this is plenty enough. Hehehe." Angel smiles. "Is the food ready? I'm going to die of hunger." He whines.

"I think it should be ready. You should get cleaned up. We don't want any unnecessary trouble if you accidentally spill blood on the food." Qwais says to me.

He's right. Don't want none of this shit to happen. Though with this new discovery, I can use it to my advantage in certain situations. I quickly fix myself up, bandage the wounds and meet them later to eat. I got enough excitement for one day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Bringing the 90s back in the timeless zone!**

"Daniel, dinner is ready." My mom shakes me to be awake. I hand wave her that I'm coming. Getting the hint, she leaves me be. Alone at last.

"I feel like I just had an adventure of a lifetime. Or is it deathtime?" I don't know why I'm even questioning it, when I can't even remember what it was. I get up to grab my clothes and go to the kitchen.

"I made your favorite~!" She places the plate down. "Arroz con habichuelas y pollo asao."

"Thanks mom! It has been forever since I ate this!" I start to dig in.

"What are you talking about? You had this a few days ago." I did? Must've forgot. "By the way, there's a special guest here to see you!" My dad walks in.

"The hell are you doing here!?" I shout at him. He pulls out a slip of paper and passes it to me.

"I'm here to give you an amazing gift for being such a great son and for being my realization for salvation." I read the paper which lists all the crimes he has committed. Cheating on his wife, trying to hook up with minors, leaving someone to be sodomized in the middle of a lake, etc. I look at him and angel wings appear from his back. "I hope we can meet again. I love you, son. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou." He keeps repeating those words as he ascends. I try reaching out to him, but something is holding my feet. Looking down, there's a giant fiery chasm with many hands dragging me down!

"Wait! Don't leave me again! Dad, you son of a bitch!" The hands envelop my body, sinking me further. "Mom! Help me!"

"If only you stayed faithful to God, you would've still been saved. I'm a failure as a mother and a christian." She starts crying. Her whimper echoes the room. My vision is being consumed by darkness.

_Back to the hellish stage_

***Red* **I wake up covered in sweat. Great, another nightmare. Can I not have a wholesome dream anymore? Must be the subtle punishment Hell likes to torture souls with. No point in wondering. I'm already awake and hungry. Quickly get dressed and make my way to the ingesting of supplements meant to energize us. Another weird thing is to be hungry and thirsty when we're dead but I guess that's also another punishment that no one will ever be satisfied with. Ain't no rest for the wicked.

"My curse is also not having any sexual relief too." Seriously, these hands! They're too scaly for my sensitive peen! It would be easier to accept Angel's offer, but I know myself. If it's too good, I'll want more. Plus, I doubt Al would even let that happen, since it would "taint" my soul and my blood would lose its "value". Whatever that means. I guess that's my life right now. While I'm not one to follow rules from assholes, it's better to not get on his bad side. Though, being on the good side ain't particularly nice either. Have to find ways to relieve myself.

"Ya really going to keep being on a leash for someone's entertainment?" I don't even look up to know who it is. Shirley has been haunting since the strip incident. I know it's not really her but my brain has to materialize something to constantly bother me in my downtime. It's in her demon form too. Which is funny cause I actually like that form better. I'm sorry real Shirls. I have some serious issues.

***Blue* **"I'm just biding my time. There's no need to do anything rash yet." She towers over me.

"Is that an admission of defeat? What happened to that development back at Valentino's strip joint? Was that all an act?"

"Well I am a thespian, after all." She pokes my chest.

"Do not take this situation lightly. You will never attain true freedom if you let someone else dictate your life."

"That's why I ain't doing anything reckless. I'm not dealing with just any demons. These are Overlords we're talking about. I'm not exactly the most OP motherfucker like Al. One wrong and it could be my last. So take a chill pill, brain."

"Then ya better hope you don't become accustomed with the collar around your neck. It doesn't suit your style."

"You don't gotta tell me twice." Technically we're a slave to our desires down here. I just hope this place can provide the help souls need to ascend. Then maybe there can be a way to get out of this mess.

"Why not just lose your virginity? That way you wouldn't have to worry about anybody going after you. You'll just be like everyone else and be fully free from his grasps." Tempting. Really tempting. I would have to deal with whatever punishment Al has in store for me, but I can get over it and I'll be fully free to focus on helping with the redemption of everyone!

***Yellow* **"That's genius! I'll take that risk and have this whole debacle over with." Now I know what must be done. Changing course to Angel's room, I knock at his door. It's still pretty early, so he should be in there. Steps can be heard from the other side and he opens the door. He clearly just woke up as the fluff is unkempt and he's very tired.

"The fuck you want?" He says before letting out a yawn. I force myself into his room.

"Hey Angel, I need you to take my virginity." There's a moment of silence.

"Why?"

"Why!? I haven't jacked off since I got here and I can't take this shit anymore!" I grab and shake him. "Please help me! Pleeeeeeease!"

"All right all right! Get off of me!" He pushes me away. "Let me get myself ready and we can get down to business." He goes to the bathroom, while I wait on the edge of his bed.

This is finally happening. I'm actually going to have sex! Though having it be Angel wasn't at the top of my list, I know he would immediately want to do it. He sure is taking his sweet time in the bathroom. That's when he finally comes out full drag looking like a woman!

"Holy shit!" I know he can be feminine, but if I didn't know any better, I would've thought him to be a woman with that blonde hair and white dress.

"Sorry for the wait, sugar~. I wanted to make this moment special." He walks towards me. The smell of perfume hits my nostrils. He gets down. "Just for you, it'll be for free. Next time, I expect some money for my services." Don't care. I just need some relief. He starts unbuttoning my pants, then I notice tentacles materialize behind him!

"Look out!" I scream but the tentacles wrap around him and start thrashing around the room. They stop and disappear from the floor. I check up on him. The wig fell off during the struggle. "Are you okay?"

"Ow! What the fuck was that!?" He grunts as he gets up sluggishly.

"I have no clue. They just appeared out of nowhere."

"Those things reminded me of when Alastor summoned them to destroy an airship." Alastor? Of course! This has to be connected to him somehow!

I get out of the room and sprint to his study. I slam open the door to see him standing looking over the window.

"You know, it's rude to barge yourself into someone's room without permission." He says turning to face me with that shit eating grin of his.

***Red* **"Don't give me that bullshit, you Jambalaya loving motherfucker! What the fuck did you to me!?"

"Whatever could you mean?"

"I tried to have sex with Angel and your hentai tentacles show up to stop it!" He hums to himself.

"Of course! I don't want your blood to be tainted by anyone who tries to copulate with you."

"But why!? Getting a blowjob doesn't take away my virginity!" He steps closer to me.

"Yes. That may be true, but that's how it all starts. Someone gives you a helping hand and it may relieve you. But then the hand might not be enough and you want more. The mouth will be included and as time goes on it evolves to more degenerate actions. Which could ultimately lead to penetration. I will not allow such things to happen to my guest star, so I used my shadow magic to prevent such acts." He looks down on me menacingly.

"You just want to see me suffer, don't you?"

"Hahaha! That's an added bonus! Now then, how about we go downstairs for some delicious breakfast? I am absolutely famished!" He passes by me.

"Hope you choke on a dick." I mumble to myself.

_Lounging at the Lobby_

After breakfast, I decide to inform Qwais, Lily and Bob about my unfortunate curse I have to deal with.

"And that's why the Anti-Shipping Tentacles of Lewdness prevents me from fucking." I finish explaining. They stare blankly at me and then start laughing.

"Good one." Qwais "lightly" pats my back.

"You guys think I'm joking?"

"No. It's just extremely funny, is all." I swear to god Bob, I will ravage you one day!

"What a shame. That means you won't know the taste of sex anymore." Lilian shakes her head. "You'll be Alastor's bitch forever."

***Blue* **"That's what I fear the most." It seems no matter what I do, there's always someone tugging me along for their entertainment. Qwais places his hand on my shoulder.

"You'll get through it somehow." He comforts me.

"You shouldn't look at this as a bad thing. To have an Overlord by your side is one of the most useful partners anyone can have in Hell." Bob adds.

"And do you know how many girls would die to be in your position? To have Alastor mark them to be only his, is everyone's wet dream! I'm a little jealous myself, to be honest." Lily says as she fidgets excitedly. While the only person actually comforting me is Qwais, hearing everyone's thoughts actually makes me feel better. Oh my god! There's a bang on the door. Charlie runs towards it to answer.

"Welcome to the Happy Hotel!" She does her usual enthusiastic greeting. She walks along with some strange two headed canine.

"Wowzers! It's much bigger in here than from outside!" The right head happily exclaims. They're wearing a loose blue flannel jacket with a black shirt underneath that's neatly tucked under their well fit Levi's jean. They're not wearing shoes due to their dog feet incapable of such a feat. I feel that. They have golden fur, which makes them look like a Golden Retriever. The right one has a spiker hairstyle, while the left let's his blonde hair loose that goes down to his shoulder. They both have black chokers.

"It has to be in order to house everyone wanting the ascension they deserve!" There goes Charles again with the twirling. "You will have a fun time with us, while you eventually redeem yourself to Heaven! These souls are here for the same reason." She points at us.

"Don't include me with this bunch." I shoulder Bob on the stomach to behave himself.

"Qwais!? Look Kain! It's Qwais!" He runs up to him with his tail wagging happily.

"Long time no see, Abe." He smiles, but it quickly disappears when he looks at the gloomy one. "Kain."

"Qwais." He says bitterly as they glare at each other. Huh, I guess Q had a life before I came into the picture. Wait, of course he did. I don't have to be there every moment of his life to fill up the Wiki page.

"Oh my god! You're Lilian Wickerman, the owner of the Feline Fever! I've only caught glimpses from far away and through the television, but to see you this close to admire your beauty, is truly a dream come true!"

"Oh my~! You're making me blush. It's always a pleasure to meet someone who has good tastes in women." She giggles.

"Thank you for your compliment. GAAAASP! Bob Nickleson! The serial rapist who would fuck any woman in his way! You even managed to get your hands on a couple of Overlords, before Lucifer himself sent you to the Second Circle!"

***Violet* **"Hold up! What the fuck!?" I turn to face Bob.

"Yep. Would've gotten away with it too, if my dick didn't stick on the bed."

"Your dick got stuck? You know what, I rather not know." I don't want my mind to conjure up a hyper realistic image of his peen. ***Orange* **"It's nice to meet you. My name is Daniel." I extend my hand for a handshake. His upbeat demeanor changes to a serious one.

"Are you the man who sabotaged the 666 news and assaulted Katie Killjoy?" He says with a menacing tone.

"...Yea?"

"How dare you lay your hand on the queen of the news!?" He shouts at me.

"Woah! First off, she was the one being a cunt to me when I was tr-" He tries to punch me, but Qwais grabs his arm.

"Do not bad mouth her, you wannabe actor! Your performance has made a mockery to the art of news and your lack of fashion sense is an insult to our eyes!"

***Red* **"Wannabe actor!? Listen here, you furfag! I can let the fashion insult slide since I do not have any sense of clothing, but you will NEVER insult my skill as an actor!" I'm about to fuck this guy up!

"I-I see you are both getting acquainted with each other already." Charlie nervously laughs. "Come, let's get you registered." She grabs his arm and pulls him away.

"The hell is their problem?" I say frustratingly.

"Don't worry about it too much. He's just a little mad you fought his idol on live television." Qwais stoically responds.

"That's all? I was merely acting out of self-defense." They all give me the "Really, nigga?" look. "Okay! Her comments got to me, aight? Hard not to hook that bitch's face." I cross my arms. Can't believe someone actually admires her.

_In front of Hell's finest._

I decide to breath in that polluted air as I contribute it with my smokes. Need that nicotine to relieve from the frustrations. The stroll around the front yard is peaceful, if you ignore the constant chaos of the city.

"It's never quiet around here. Reminds me of home." Last time I left Puerto Rico, there were constant parties, gunshots and the lullabies of the Coqui to keep me asleep. I miss it. Then again, I missed my life. How did I die again? That murder is getting muddled up everytime I recall it. Gunshot, La Macarena, Quinceanera, and doing the biggest dab as I fall to the ground. Honestly, this is getting ridiculous. Hm? I was lost in my thoughts, that it became quiet. Too quiet. I try to approach the front gate, but I hit an invisible wall! "The fuck?" I knock and sure enough, there seems to be something invisible blocking my path.

"Daniel Gomez." I turn behind to see Abe and Kaina a couple meters from me. Abe is doing the talking. "AKA The Neon Blooded Thespian: Quemaleon." He paces around me like a shark circling around its prey. "You've only recently arrived in Hell and you have caught the eyes of our Overlord. I don't see what all the hype is about. You look like any other demon thinking their hot shit, when they're nothing but a worthless sinner." I don't like where this is going.

"Language, Abe." Kain says to him.

"I'm sorry. But everytime I look at this dude's face, I can't help it." He snarls, letting me have a good look at his sharp teeth. "And don't bother screaming for help. Kain's ability creates a tubular soundproof barrier, trapping our targets as we beat the ever loving behind of them." He cracks his knuckles and pulls out a knife.

**Roundabout-Yes**

The strums of a guitar can be heard somewhere in the background. Is this seriously happening? To think Al's warning would actually come true. All because of his fanaticism?

***Blue* **"I suggest you stop what you're doing. Charlie and Alastor are literally next door and they will know what's up, then will probably beat the shit. Well, maybe not Charles, but definitely Alastor." I highly doubt that, but hopefully my threat will make him scared to do anything.

"Hahaha! OMG! Did you really think I would be afraid of that empty threat? You really are a bogus actor!" Oh no he fucking didn't!

"I am NOT a bogus actor!"

←To be continued

_**Lights out**_

A spotlight shines on Daniel and Abe.

Daniel: ***Red* **Fuck that! *Stomps the "To be continued" and Jojo poses* We're ending this right here, right now!

**Jojo DiU-Sudden Battle**

Daniel pulls out his knife and they both get into their battle stance. Daniel makes the first move to sprint towards him and slash downward. Abe dodges it and stabs him on his shoulder. Dan quickly gathers the blood to then spray it on Abe's clothing. The lights are killed, leaving only darkness.

Abe: So your blood does glow in the dark. I've seen video footage of your battles and I'm impressed by your guerrilla tactics. However…

He strikes from behind. A spotlight shines on them, revealing a shirtless Daniel having then his gut knife.

Daniel: ***Pink* **H-How?

Abe: Unlike the rat you fought, I can actually distinguish the difference between smells of anything. You purposely left your shirt in front of me to try and misguide me to attack from behind. You fail to think that you have a stronger scent than a piece of fabric could ever contain. I also know your blood can change anyone's emotions. *Takes the knife from him and puts it on his belt*

He twists the knife, making Dan cough blood. Then Abe repeatedly punches him on the face, finishing off with an uppercut that sends Dan flying across the air and lands next to his shirt.

Abe: Is this truly all you've got? I can't believe you're the same person who sabotaged Valentino's place. I don't know what she sees in you, but that's not my business.

The lights go out again.

Abe: *Sigh* Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.

He hears someone running towards him.

Abe: _I can smell two strong scents in front of me. He must've coated his shirt with more blood. I'm going to predict that he's misdirecting me to choose which one to strike. Too bad for him, I can stab one and punch the other!...! Wait, why is there a third scent? This third one is slightly further apart from the right. Shit! He's practically at my face! It's now or nothing!_

He stabs to his left, hitting right on the target. A spotlight shines with a naked Dan stabbed once more.

Abe: I guessed you were holding out your shirt to try and distract me, but to also take off your pants too? *Looks at the pants* You were holding out your pants with your tail? That explains the dist-AAAAH!

Daniel stabs him with the knife he took away from him.

Daniel: ***Green* **That's exactly why I held my pants to your right. Because of Kain's position, you have a huge blindspot to your left. I was waiting for you to get distracted by them so I could reach my knife and stab you.

Abe pushes him off to gain some distance.

Daniel: It's too late for that. My blood is already coursing through your veins! I coated it with my blood, before you took it away. Can you guess what color it was?

Abe looks at the knife and notices pink mixed with his own blood. His body trembles as he tries hard to overcome the effects.

Daniel: ***Violet* **Don't resist the temptation. It's only natural to want to fuck The Neon Blooded Thespian: Quemaleon himself! *Dazzle Texts* As much as I like to stroke my ego, I need help to stroke my jewels. Would you kindly lend me your hand?

Abe nods involuntarily and walks towards him. He hasn't fully controlled his mind, but the body is now a slave to Daniel.

Abe: _D-Damn it! I've already lost control of my body and now I'm about to lose my mind! The more I look at him, the more I wa-No, need him!_

He starts running at him. Not missing a beat, the tentacles form out of Daniel's shadow. They completely wrap Abe.

**Josuke's Theme **

Daniel: ***Orange* **Oooooh! Forgot to mention that little detail. As much as I really want Abiel to be a possible ship, my dear Overlord "blessed" me with the ASTL that only activates when someone wants to have sex with me. ***Black **and Menacing Texts* It's time for the dramatic climax.

ASTL slams Abe on the barrier for a few seconds. They hang him upside down as blood drips to the floor. Daniel walks up to him. Abe and Kain cough uncontrollably.

Daniel: ***Blue* **Quit being so dramatic. They didn't bang you that bad. Now, who is this woman that sent you to get me?

He spits Daniel's face.

Abe: Fuck you.

Dan calmly wipes the blood off.

Daniel: ***Black* **If you are going to be this way, then send her this message for me.

He motions his hand down, making ASTL to crush their heads against the floor. This goes on for a good minute.

Daniel: Say, can you copy what I do?

One of the little tentacles nods.

Daniel: All right! Watch closely.

He does the tossing motion and they copy by sending them up in the air. Then he punches rapidly and they mimic by striking the poor dogs against the barrier.

Daniel: UTEUTEUTEUTEUTEUTEUTEUTE!

Each blow feels like getting hit by a sniper rifle at point blank. The barrier cracks behind him.

Daniel: UTE!

With one more powerful strike, the barrier gets broken and they are sent flying across the yard, getting slammed against the front gate. It shatters completely and they're back to their own reality. Dan and ASTL fistbump for a job well done.

_**Show's over!**_

***Gray* **Huh. I guess ASTL ain't that bad. It disappears in my shadow.

"D-D-Damn you." Abe curses under his breath as he struggles to get up.

"Abe. Let's stop this." Kain says weakly.

"We can't. If we go back with our tail between our legs, Vel will do far worse than what this bastard did to us." Vel? That must be the demon they're working for.

"If you're worried about that, why not stay here? I'm sure Charlie will keep you guys safe from this Vel person." I suggest to them. They look at me with surprise.

"You give us mercy, even after we tried to kidnap you?" Kain says.

"Don't listen to his lies! He's just trying t-!" Their arm grabs Abe's head. "What are you doing!?" They pull hard and separate each other. Now they both have their own bodies. Abe is more banged up than Kain, meaning he was the main host.

"I'm tired of constantly being at the mercy of Velvet. We dealt with it cause there was no better option, but we can be free." Kain gets up and walks towards me.

"Fuck! Fuck!" Abe punches the floor. He glares at me. "You may have deceived Kain with your false promises, but I'll be back!" He jumps over the gate and runs down the path.

"I'm sorry about all this. He can be very stubborn, but he means well. For me at least." Kain assures me. Oh yeah, that makes me feel so much better. Sarcasm included.

"It's all good." I say to him.

"About your clothes." He points at my bloody and tear clothes on the floor.

***Pink* **"Don't worry about it. I'll just get a fresh set inside." I coil my tail around my waist. While I don't mind being naked, I know they will not stop making fun of me like last time. We both head inside and get him registered to become the new guest at the Hazbi-Happy Hotel. I should seriously let Charles know about the damn sign.


	4. Chapter 4

**Before I start Daniel's Eccentric Ascensions, I'd like to thank everyone who's read my stories and honestly it wouldn't have been possible if Hazbin Hotel wasn't a thing. While I'm happy with how the story is flowing, I only have the Pilot as a reference to the world building and whenever I write any fanfic set in the canon world, I like to portray the environment and characters as accurately as possible. It's why I purposely don't focus much on the canon characters as much and I know that can be a turn off for some, but that's how I like to work. So when the full show comes out, there's a high chance for me to reboot the series. Anyways, on with the show!**

**A man's best friend is only applicable when one is alive**

We're gathered around in the ballroom having our introductions like when I first got here. Everyone introduced themselves and it's Kain's turn.

"Hello. My name is Kennedy, but you can call me Kain." He nervously says.

"Hello Kain." Most of us robotically greet him. Charles claps her hands.

"It is wonderful to have you here! Why don't you tell us a little more about yourself? If you'd like, of course." Charlie asks him.

"It;s all right." He thinks for a moment. "Me and Abe were born on January 1, 1980 and both died on December 31, 1999. I like bitter food and spaghetti is like my favorite dish! Jurassic Park is my favorite movie, My favorite boy band is the Backstreet Boys, I wear top of the line GAP fashion and blah, bloah, blieh." He just goes on and on about the smallest details about himself, like he's making a reference sheet. We're visibly becoming impatient and Charlie is picking up our vibe.

"I got a question for ya." I interrupt him. "Why did you guys try to kidnap me?" Charles and Vags shoot me an uncomfortable look.

"Because Velvet wanted to use your blood for her clothing line." There is silence. Not just because how easy it was for him to answer, but the oddity of it.

"She wants my blood for her clothes?" I had to repeat it cause it is too weird for me.

"Yes. Your blood can glow in the dark and while there are materials already that can do that, yours have special properties depending on the color. Like if one wears a shirt coated with yellow blood, they'd be happy without ingesting it. Of course that would've been a trade secret to the public. Only the Overlords and the demons they choose to share the information know about your hidden ability. This will include your tentacles, as I'm sure Abe would have informed her about it and she distributed it to the other Lords." Fan-fucking-tastic. Now I gotta be careful with what I do, since I don't know who could be watching me.

"My, my~. You did say you wanted to be famous." Lily nudges my arm.

"Yea, but I wanted it to be through the art of my performance! Not because of my virgin blood! This sucks." I couldn't help but pout. Can I go back to becoming a nobody again? No. This shit all started because of Alastor. It's all his fault!

_Some time later..._

After the long session, she finally lets us go. I decide to go back to my room to sleep. Barely slept at all last night. Opening the door to my room, I am shocked to find Kain in my room going through my drawer!

***Red* **"What the fuck are you doing here!?" I scream at him. He looks up.

"Oh! Hello Daniel! I noticed that you were wearing those plain clothes again and I just couldn't believe your drawers are full of them." He starts throwing my clothes on the floor.

"How did you even get in!? I always lock my door!"

"The little cyclop just finished cleaning your room and I politely asked her to open it for me." Nifftyyyyyyyyyyyy! You don't let strangers go in someone else's room! He opens my closet, where I keep my other set in. "Black leather jacket with hearts? At least they're different." He grabs the hat. "Is this…"

"Yes. It's Valentino's hat." He drops it out of fright. As if he wasn't supposed to touch something so forbidden.

"You have his hat!? Do you know how much a pimp values such things? The fact you are here in one piece, is a miracle in itself!" I pick it up and put it back in the closet.

"I think my freedom is more valuable than a fucking hat. Anyways, can you please leave? I wanna sleep." I motion him to the door, but he stands his ground.

"I am not leaving here, without at least expanding your wardrobe." He snaps his fingers and it's deathly silent like before. "Don't worry. While we used my ability to carry out kidnappings, it's main use is actually a private fashion design." He materializes a measuring tape for the body. "I can only materialize equipment that I already have in this space. So if I need more, I have to go buy them. Now take off your clothes for accurate measurements." I look at him quizzically. If he's planning to do anything sexual, he's gonna become well acquainted with the floor by ASTL.

"If it gets you to leave quicker." I sigh and strip naked. He pushes my clothes aside and begins doing his work. He measures my bust, waist and hip. So far ASTL hasn't reacted, which means his intentions aren't nefarious.

"Done!" He snaps and a wardrobe appears full of clothes. "Based on these calculations and your personality, I have the perfect set for you." He opens it. "I present to you ultra white blazers with a gray crewneck tee. Accompanied with casual loose cargo short Denim jeans. It seems you're more of a summer kind of person."

"I gotta say, they do look good."

"I'm glad you like them! Now let's see they feel the same about you."

"Who's they?" The clothes start to move as if there was someone invisible wearing them. "Whaaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuuuuck?"

"My clothes are very special. I believe that in order for your fashion to shine, one has to be in sync with what you wear. Now prove your worth!" I have no clue what this guy is going on about! Do I just talk to it?

"Hey there...good looking. I'm completely naked and I need you on...me…" Kain is giving me this look that I can assume is confusion and embarrassment. "Yo, I don't know what I have to prove to clothes! FUCKING CLOTHES!" I get slapped by the shirt. "Did you just slap me!?"

"They have feelings, you know. Just like everyone."

***Green* **"All right, tough guy. I'll just force you on me!" That sounds kinda rapey but who cares! I grab the shorts and put them on. "Hahaha! See? Nothing to i-AAAAAAAAH!" The shorts become super tight! Like the cartoons where the clothes shrink on the characters body except it's happening for real! I swiftly take them off before my balls get crushed. "The hell!?"

"This is not a battle of strength or wits, but of style. That's the only hint I'll give you." Style? Like a fashion show….That's it!

_**Lights out**_

A spotlight shines on Daniel and the clothes.

Daniel: Hey! Let's see if you are worthy to be on me with these poses.

The clothes make a motion that it's offended. Dan struts towards it and Jojo poses. They copy him.

Daniel: Very nice! But can you do this!

He backflips and starts breakdancing. They copy him no problem.

Daniel: Hahaha! You're pretty good. Now for the final showdown!

**Jojo parte 5-Torture dance song**

**Vocal percussion on a whole 'nother level coming from my mind! Vocal percussion on a whole 'nother level coming from my mind!**

**Aahh! We're Golden Wind! (Kono me amareri maroreri merare maro) Aaaaaaah haa aah! We're Golden Wind! (Kono me amareri maroreri merare maro)**

**It's like a burning sunrise! (Ahí makareru makare punpun kete) It's like a burning sunset! (Ahí makareru makare punpun kete) It's like a burning sunrise! (Ahí makareru makare punpun kete) It's like a burning sunset!**

Daniel does the torture dance. The clothes copy him and after a while, Kain joins in on the gang! They danced crazy! Once it's done, the clothes jump on Dan and it fits him nicely.

_**Show's over!**_

"Congratulations!" Kain claps excitedly.

"Woah! I look so cool! It's so comfy, that I can't feel the weight of the clothes." I check myself out.

"That's because you are now one with your attire. That is my true ability! Not many demons understand the art behind fashion, which is why I'm glad you've given me the opportunity to shine!" He shakes my hand.

***Orange* **"N-No problem. But all I really did was beat the shit out of you guys. You should really thank Charlie and Vaggie. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here right now." That's a rock fact.

"Of course! I should also show my thanks by giving them a fashion show."

"Do give them a heads up for the upcoming battle. Especially Vags. She doesn't like surprises." He nods and snaps us back to reality.

"I'll make more sets for you. Since you've proven yourself once, you don't have to fight my clothes again." He waves goodbye and finally leaves my room. I threw myself to bed and for the first time, I had a peaceful sleep. Guess Hell ain't so bad after all.

**Hope ****y'all enjoyed it! If you wanna see the illustrations and characters, you can check them out on my Twitter Great Miester.**


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